May 17, 2002* GAY. PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

bigtips

Shall I decline to attend my sister's wedding alone?

by M.T. 'the Big Tipper' Martone

Greetings, Big Tipper.

My girlfriend (of four years) has encouraged me to ask you about this situation, so here goes: My sister has recently announced (via e-mail) her upcoming wedding to a fellow who "courted" her (her own words) for a mere five months before popping the question.

They are both conservative Christians who met at the same singles retreat where the wedding is set to occur. Sis has made it clear that the actual wedding is for immediate

responsibility and hers alone to get her shit together.

Ultimately, weddings are pure vanity events that you can either choose to endure or not, but they're not a good forum for working out family issues, or making political statements. (For ex-

ample, I'm avoiding telling you that a nice wedding present would be a contribution to a progressive organization in the celebrants' names. Or

family members only, with the intention of suggesting dancing throwing a party later this summer for all the significant others to attend.

I am out to my immediate family (and portions of the extended crew), and for the past four years, my sister has not so much as included my partner's name on a Christmas card. She made sure to tell me right away that I'm destined to burn eternally for my choices in life, and refuses to get involved with any discussions including the Topic of My Sister's Girlfriend. The rest of my family has the opinion of "Oh, that's just how she (my sister) is, and someday she'll get over it.'

My challenge is deciding whether or not to attend this wedding, getting my partner to attend the "extended-family" party later on, and how to accomplish both without bloodshed. Personally, I have no great desire to sit through a religious ceremony that holds no meaning for me, but I can take it if it means maintaining harmony with the family.

My partner thinks I'm crazy to even consider going, since it would be humoring a woman who has made it clear that she will never accept or recognize a personal, loving commitment between two women as anything but sinful. Hmmm... my deadline is the end of May, so what's your take on the situation?

Throwing Rice at Her Head Really Hard

Dear Sticky Rice,

If the "immediate family" wedding really means no one but your sibs and parents (no husbands, wives or sweeties), then do whatever you want. It sounds like it wouldn't kill you to go. Sometimes it's okay to eat the annoyance and go to an event like this so that when she makes peace with you ten years from now, you'll have been the gracious one. And how very gracious it is for you to celebrate her five-month-old relationship with a gift and your presence in wedding clothing.

In no way, however, should your partner feel pressured to attend the larger gathering. If she's not welcome there, you shouldn't go. because your presence would be sanctioning her desired absence. It might be tempting to somehow embroil your family in convincing your sister to be less of a dick, but it's her

with all the women afterwards.)

Anyway, justice is often meted out nicely by time, which can do a thorough job of exposing the true worth of relationships. It should give you peace to know that

you're not about to

Dear Poke Me Not,

Unfortunately, badgering has been such a successful way for some people to get what they want, they don't know when to stop. In a new relationship, we start out doing what we think the other person will dig, and will make them want us more.

BIG TIPS

be faced with building a life with some conservative guy you've only known for five months.

Dear Big Tipper:

I've been in a great relationship for the past six months with my boyfriend “Dan. " At first, I though the age difference might pose some problems: He's 46, I'm 19. But, as it turns out, that hasn't mattered very much --the real difficulty has been sexual.

Our sex has been purely oral, never anal. However, Dan's been getting increasingly hot for my butt, even though he knows I don't like being a bottom and I want no part of anal sex. We've been watching pornos as part of our bedroom routine, and I guess all the video fucking has been getting him frustrated. I let him play with my butt and eat me out, which I like, but he always gets too carried away and starts calling it my "pussy" and asks if he can put a dildo in there instead of real fucking, but it's still penetration, after all.

I care for Dan and I want to please him, but I honestly hate anal intercourse. Dan's a big bear, "daddy" type, and I knew from the start he liked me for my smooth, thin body, but I didn't think these roles had to mean top/bottom or butch/fem. The "pussy" talk really disgusts me--I'm not into being submissive. I'm into older guys and I don't want to break up with Dan, but how do I get things back the way they were? I know fucking is a big deal for a lot of guys, but it's not for me, whether I care for the guy or not. Please help. Thanks.

Hands Off My Bottom

You're just getting to the point where people start to fine tune how it's really going to happen. If there's something you really want that hasn't just organically started happening, at some point, you gotta take a shot. Maybe watersports just never came up in conversation! Yeah, that's it.

This is when the fine points of sexual compatibility hit the fan. And hard as

it is, if sex is important to you, you need to listen to what that other person is really saying, because if you really want to fuck someone, and they really don't want to be fucked, that's not going to go away.

Yes, I could propose that you might really like butt sex if you started out with tiny dildos; maybe you've had bad experiences in the past, blah de blah--but guess what? Some people don't like to do certain things, and that's reasonable, and that's their right, and it's patronizing to assume that ultimately anyone can be trained to do something because their partner would really like to do it. If you think you might like to work up to a poke, that's a different conversation.

If the pussy talk grosses you out, tell him that there's no way you will want to have sex with him if he talks like that, and to knock it off. There's plenty of non-vaginal dirty talk out there. Prescreen the porn, and weed out the stuff that has language like that and maybe that habit'll fade.

The butt sex? That's going to be an issue. If you tell him to back off, and he won't, why would you stay with him? If you tell him to back off, and he does, he's not going to be getting something he really, really wants. Are you guys non-monogamous? Because you might want to negotiate that consensually before he tries something behind your back.

Dear Big Tipper,

I just read your April 19 column and now I have a question! Do you have the e-mail address of Dying Dream? I'd love to move to Europe with him! It's always been my dream

to open a cafe there, I used to own several! Dying to Meet Dying Dream

Dear Euro Hopeful Guy,

I actually don't keep contact information for any of my writers, for their privacy. I will, however, save yours. Dying Dream, if it didn't work out with your boyfriend, give us a shout, okay?

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

You recognize the face, you know the name, JOHN LAURO, Realtor

CURRENT LISTINGS

SHAKER HEIGHTS $218,500 Center Hall

5 Bedrooms, 2 full, 2 half Baths Newer kitchen, built-ins SHAKER HEIGHTS $289,500 3000+ sq. ft.

4 Bedrooms, 3.5 Baths Super Master Suite w/Glamour Bath CLEVELAND HEIGHTS $104,900 Loads of Character 3 Bedrooms, 1 Bath Wonderful yard, 2002 Boiler UNIVERSITY HEIGHTS $164,500 Beautiful Colonial 3 Bedrooms, 1.5 Baths Lots of storage, shelving & space! UNIVERSITY HEIGHTS $189,500 Newer Windows

4 Bedrooms, 2.5 Baths Updated oak kitchen LAKEWOOD

$99,500 Condo

1 Bedroom, 1 Bath Custom kitchen, in-suite laundry SOLD! CLEVELAND HEIGHTS SOLD! $98,500 Cozy & Spacious

2 Bedrooms, 1.5 Baths Hardwood floors, 2 WBFPs CLEVELAND HEIGHTS $119,900 Brick Charmer 2 Bedrooms, 1 Bath Sunroom, built-ins, gardens CLEVELAND

$79,900 Front Porch 3 Bedrooms, 1 Bath

Lead cabinets, bay window, FP

Voice Tel: 216-999-2056 E-mail: J. lauro@realtyone.com Top Unit Producer Shaker Office 2000 & 2001 BUYER'S REPRESENTATION

Realty One

THE FINAL COAT'S experienced, knowledgeable craftsmen are dedicated

to total customer satisfaction and meeting your highest expectations.

THE FINAL COAT INC.

Professional Painters

Established in 1984

Where high-standard, professional quality is top priority

PAINTING DECORATING CONTRACTORS

of AMERICA

Full Service PROFESSIONALS

Highest Quality CRAFTSMANSHIP

330-786-0961

Interior Painting

Walls

Ceilings

Trim (enamel, stain, varnish, lacquer) Cabinets (enamel, stain, varnish, lacquer) Wallcovering Removal

Wallcovering Installation

Delicate Fabrics Commercial Vinyls Residential Wallcoverings

Faux Finishes

Choose from a wide ranges decorative paint techniques to style to any room. Ask to. many faux finishes we ca

Exterior Painting

Siding (brush or spray) Windows

Decks

Doors

Patio Furniture,

Other Residentia

mercial S

Pressure Cleaning

Gutter Cleaning

Furniture Finishing/Refinishing

Basement and Garage Painting

Minor Capentry Repairs

Maintenance Touch-up Program